(no subject)
tom hanks
 It's been a long time since i've been here (eyes travel downwards.....sept 2006?) Of course i've been at LJ, mostly frequenting ohnotheydidn't and few choice hp sites....but not here. As evidenced by some of the earlier posts, some deleted groups and even more deleted pictures of myself, it was obvious why i used to spend hours on lj. It helped feed that downward spiral and helped me stay blissfully unaware that i was doing anything wrong. I'm still messed up, just not obsessively so.  I just came in from a run and will spend the next hour beating myself about that cookie i ate. But i have quite a few other things to occupy my mind with lately, and that's a good thing. I've been doing this for over 10 years, i don't expect to suddenly wake up one day and be normal, i'm just going to everyday do my best to live more gracefully.

When a kid starts this crap at 14 they have no intentions of being a grown 25 year old with an eating disorder, because grown ups don't do that stupid teenage garbage. Right now i am wrapping up my first year teaching high school and i struggle with the idea of being a role model to a bunch of teenagers when i'm no more than a stupid teenager myself. 

But i've discovered a new, more worthwhile purpose for this very sparse area of the web.

(no subject)
tom hanks

A lecturer stood in front of a group of college sturdents and said, "Okay, time for a quiz."

Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar.

When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said, "Yes."

Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks.

Then he smiled and asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered.

"Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a can of beer and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!"

"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. These are things like your family, your faith, your friends. The gravel is things like bills, mortgages, your job. The sand is the stuff you worry about that doesn't really matter. That goes in last, because if it doesn't fit, life will still go on." 

Another student raised their hand and asked, "What was the can of beer for then?"

The speaker smiled at the student, "Because no matter how full your life gets, there is always room for a beer."

So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the "big rocks" in my life? Then, put those in your jar, and put them in first, otherwise they will never fit.

Cracked Pot
tom hanks

A water bearer in China had two large pots. Each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One pot had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishment, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it was made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. I'm ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. The bearer said to the pot "Did you notice that there are flowers only on your side of the path but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and planted flower seeds on your side of the path............ every day while we walk back, you have watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are there would not be this beauty to grace the house

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We are all cracked pots But it is the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You have just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

(no subject)
tom hanks
So this afternoon i was flipping through the channels when i saw an ad on tv for this show: Monique's Fat Chance. Basically it entailed this large lump of a woman, Monique hosting a beauty pageant for fat girls. I was suddenly struck by just how ridiculous society is.

People afflicted with anorexia are, for the most part, fairly unhealthy individuals who are usually at risk for heart failure. Therefore, people have immediately assumed that people who are "pro-ana" like us are very mentally unstable individuals. It is considered insane to be supportive of a lifestyle that puts you at risk for heart attacks and numerous other afflictions. Heaven forbid we lend any sort of encouragement to others also struggling with the same disorder. Doing so is a horrific crime and we are shunned as bad, evil people intent on corrupting these poor souls and marching them towards their graves.

Allow me to pause for a moment and ask what kills people who suffer from obesity? If you said heart failure....bingo! It seems as though obesity and anorexia are two evil paths that lead to the same miserably tragic destination. So why are we attacked for being anorexic, but being fat is ok? If i were to stand up on my chair right now and proclaim that i was a proud anorexic woman, i would probably be tackled, bound, gagged and dragged off to rehab. But when an obese woman stands up and declares that she is a "proud heavy woman" she is applauded for the way she courageously accepts her flaws and makes them beautiful.

Then said woman takes it a step further. She launches an attack against thin images in the media. She makes stores specially for her shape. She says that she shouldn't have to pay for two seats on an airplane even though she takes up more than her one. She screams about the rights of heavy people, discrimination and loving yourself. She makes a beauty pageant that celebrates obesity.


Why is this ok? Can you imagine if we made a beauty pageant? That's right, it's Ana's Slim Chance in Hell, and tonight we are searching America far and wide for the most beautiful anorexic girl in the land! She will be crowned Miss Ana and we will shower her with diet pills, money and false admiration!

Somehow i don't think that show would make it on the air (although i'd probably watch it....)

So why the double standard? Why is it brave and socially acceptable to kill yourself one way and not the other. Are you really loving yourself if you celebrate being obese? The girl who loves herself is the one who eats right, stays active and is healthy. You don't love yourself if you follow a trail of Twinkies to your size 22 ball gown. Nor if you starve yourself into your grave i suppose...

I realize that society will never change though, and as long as we have a lot of fat people and not very many skinny people, it will always be easy to accept obesity and condemn anorexia. I guess in the meantime i will shut up, quietly ignore my rumbling tummy, and see if i can find that Miss Ana pageant on TV...

Love's a bitch
tom hanks
Someone once told me that it was impossible to love someone until you loved yourself. I always thought this was completely ludicrous. I have loved and cared for plenty of people in some of the darkest depths of depression i've had in the past ten years. For the first time in my life i am doubting my initial instinct.

So today was a bad day. To further explain, i also realize that i have acted completely irrational today, although that unfortunately does not change how i've felt. In march i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 and 1/2 years. We lived in two different states, things weren't the same, and i just wasn't happy with him anymore. Mind you, there was nothing wrong with him really, i just didn't love him like i used to. I wasn't excited when he came to visit, i wasn't sad when he was gone, and at one crucial turning point i realized that i really did not want to marry him. Unfortunately these feelings were not mutual as he was completely head over heels. He once told me that if he thought i'd say yes he would have proposed in the first 6 months. So, to make a long story short, in a long and tearful conversation i told him it was over.

Luckily we're both two mature people. We've stayed friends, talk on the phone every now and then, and are capable of being at the same social event as each other and still enjoy ourselves. It has taken some getting used to though. I once told a friend that after 3 1/2 years, it's more of a divorce than a break-up. It's not your relationship that changes, it's your life.

So tonight came the bombshell. In an online convo, he "casually" mentioned that he had spent so much money at the bar the other weekend because he had put his new girlfriend's drinks on his tab and had bought a bunch of rounds too. 

Whoa, back up!

New girlfriend?

So here's where the irrational part comes into play: i really do want him to move on because i want him to be happy because i care about him no matter what our situation may be. Besides, i broke up with him, i certainly cannot be outraged at the idea that after *gasp* 5 months he started dating another girl! It still doesn't change the fact that the idea of another girl initially makes me feel awful. The idea of him at a bar buying drinks for this faceless, nameless broad and then possibly (probably) taking her home seems so completely bizarre. I simply can't shake the depressing sensation of being replaced and forgotten.

But that still doesn't change the fact that i don't want to be dating him. I've, thusfar, been happy being single and have had no desire to date.

Which brings me back to my original point: can a person who isn't ready to completely love themselves love another person? I can confidently answer that with the affirmative. I have loved family, friends and this "significant other" very deeply. I can include him since i think if i hadn't of loved him i would not have let him go. I would have kept him to myself because it would have been easier for me to settle and he would have been miserable for the rest of his life. On the contrary, i now wonder if it is possible to allow another person to love me if i don't love me? What if i never allow someone to love me and be an intimate part of my life? I am not even close to being ready to get better - at times i deny there is anything really that wrong with me. If i don't learn to love myself like "normal" people do at any rate, does that mean i am destined to die alone? It seems like everyone around me is getting married or engaged. I'm 23 and starting from scratch again.

I need a hug drink.

(no subject)
tom hanks
Current Stats

Age: 22
Height: 5'6"
CW: 95lbs
HW: 117lbs
LW: 89lbs
GW1: 89lbs
GW2: 85lbs
Current BMI: 15.3
Goal BMI: 13.9

Gad i love numbers.....

(no subject)
tom hanks
ok, so the other night i was watching TLC (as usual) and there was another show about obesity on, but they were saying some really interesting things about "food addiction". It was pretty cool, so i spent this morning doing a little research project for myself (because i am a loser).

Anywho, studies have shown that when a food deprived subject is exposed to food, their brain has an elevated release of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. The weird thing is that drug addicts have a similar reaction when they are craving drugs. Drug addicts and food addicts have fewer dopamine receptors in their brains, so they require more dopamine to be satisfied than normal. So, after a binge, the next time you eat you are going to need more food to release enough dopamine to feel good than you used to.

Furthermore, the study discussed the significance of fat and sugar in particular. They said that sugar triggers the production of opiods in the brain and the brain can actually be addicted to these like heroin. They said the rats they tested on "can become overly dependent on sweet food particularly if they periodically stop eating and then binge like some bulimics do." Also, rats fed on high fat diets became resistant to leptin which is a hormone that signals you to stop eating. The suggested that fat and also malt and barley malt have this affect of "putting the brain to sleep" and then you keep eating to get your "dopamine fix".

They only used obese subjects when they did this study, and i'd be intrigued to know if anorexics have the same sort of reactions. I don't know about the rest of you, but i certainly feel like a food addict maybe not in the physical sense of eating too much, but in the mental sense. I mean, the mere smell of something yummy can literally throw me off track for a good ten minutes. Also, if i ever do eat, i have a hard time being satisfied or being full.

Some guy on the show made a comment that stuck with me. He was VERY obese and was having trouble controlling cravings, binges and what not on his new diet and compared over-eating to alcoholism. He just looked at the camera and said "Honestly, how successful would an alcoholic be if he was forced to have one small drink every day?"

food for thought...

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